some personal responsibilities

“If you’re only to make me feel worst about me, don’t come.” Said I looking at a distant cloud in the sky.

I heard your footsteps slowly ebbing away. I didn’t look back. I knew how hard it was for you. You could only come to me to feel better about yourself by pointing at some flaws of mine that I didn’t know how many people thought I had and how many thought that I must keep watering them. And after that, you said you didn’t want to quarrel with me. And as always I was totally at a loss for words. Once again…I knew if I continued to talk to you, the same thing will do many more rounds coming back to me how wrong I was. I had to keep going over the same ground again and again. But I make sure, neither I was right nor I am going to be right. Never ever. I am always being me. All I am doing is me. And even though, my rejection of dumping was going to be returned with the same compassionate finger-pointing, I was glad, I chose this way to be wrong and flawed. You’re free to feel what you do. After all, you’re responsible for that. I no longer worry about intentional hurting no matter how effortless the pointing finger is rather I take responsibility for my feelings and believe that clearly addressing issues, my needs, and expectations, is all I can do. I separate my emotions from what is actually happening because I value them.

“Then don’t call for squabbling.”

I know how hurtful it could be to believe that I am not living your life or not living my life according to your wishes and commands. It hurts to believe that my problems are different and I am a different person. I do feel hurt but take total responsibility for them to choose to solve them by following the course of action that resonates with me. It is quite challenging to accept that you are as responsible for your feelings as I am, no matter how hurtful they are. I get to choose how much I can allow in the conversations that have the only motive to dump…I naturally don’t feel good about them. I am glad, I can reach out to those who make me feel better about myself and don’t force me to live their lives and I exactly want to be that.

The day whittled away but the sky was clear and I could inhale the moonlit evening.

Published by Smita Ray

Smita Ray is the mother of two lovely kids and hails from northeastern India. Her perpetual displeasure arising from the hypocrisy in the society underneath the semblance of religion, culture as well as the conditioning for compliance urged her to put down the impressions in her mind. In her spare time, she likes to have some culinary adventures along with her kids trying new recipes or crafting.

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