flawed & fragile

Diving in the dark is like arbitrary arrest when the mind switches to autopilot mode. I let it be there for sometimes. I’ve noticed a little improvement, it helps quite a bit. So, when my blabbering and yelling going on in my mind stops, I try to figure it out. Could I stop it this time?

Maybe I need to work more and find more ways to cope with it. Here’s what I have figured out, Hopefully it will help those who are struggling through something like this.

What does it say? We must listen to it, to get clarity. And that entails allowing yourself to express –to yourself. No matter what. It might feel a little uncomfortable but it is important. I have always found that in a certain state there is this immense urge to isolate myself from everything because I feel better when I am by my lonesome. Sometimes it’s the feeling of being stuck. It’s about how I have developed the conditions that are inimical to my growth – to pick up the notions and ideas which are no way helpful for me. Neither productive nor enjoyable and doesn’t even serve any purpose. “You’re weak.” “You’re not capable of doing it.” “You have a weak character.” “You can’t be treated with respect.” “You’re ugly.” Your nationality. Your ethnicity. Your financial status. Your knowledge. Your reputation and whatnot. All those things which are not even mine. Someone opened his window and let me have a glimpse of his mind at a certain moment. And I picked it up when there was a better choice available, only to feel like shit. When there is no need to. That’s fragile and unwise.

At any moment, I am what I feel about myself. That tells the difference between a happy monk and a sad entrepreneur. You’re poor and someone told you the truth and then anxiety pounced upon you and grabbed you by the collar. You had to marry your daughter and you felt so broken that you wanted to hit that person. The truth is, having just a few things inside your home doesn’t really bother you much. Now you need money to carry out something important. But you think you can’t do it. Having more money is not bad either. But poor self-image will still bring you on your knees. It’s not about our possessions or conditions that define our truth but what we tell ourselves about ourselves and others about themselves.

It’s important to pick up anything with a pinch of salt when it comes to what another person thinks of you or what they value in their lives. They are not perfect, neither are you. Life is to be experienced. To make our own choices and mistakes. To tell others that we are flawed, can always thrive to be better but will never be perfect. Life is always new, hence we can always make mistakes and that’s not a crime. And how wasteful it is to go to another person and show him or her a weak and poor image of himself. Sometimes we don’t feel good about the person who consistently treated us poorly and if we find a way to address it, we must deliver it in a clear manner (in my case, addressing anything clearly or efforts to openly discuss anything never ever worked. Things do get twisted). In case the problem persists, it’s okay to disengage, allow yourself to vent your spleen, frustration, not get involved in any games. I don’t know how long it takes to achieve equanimity but we are fragile and flawed even when we are strong and motivated. We must choose what is best for us, regardless.

Published by Smita Ray

Smita Ray is the mother of two lovely kids and hails from northeastern India. Her perpetual displeasure arising from the hypocrisy in the society underneath the semblance of religion, culture as well as the conditioning for compliance urged her to put down the impressions in her mind. In her spare time, she likes to have some culinary adventures along with her kids trying new recipes or crafting. She describes herself as -- a soulmate, a life alighted on the earth catching the rhythm passing by her. A tinge of joy colours her world and lays its feet on the land where revellers are awaiting her to get into the groove.

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